Kyle Hislop

  If you are a Christian or have spent any significant time in Church you will find this book very funny.  It's a very quick read, easily done in an evening, but you will most likely find yourself coming back to it every once in a while for a good laugh.  To help you see the humour I decided to type out a small portion, I guess I'm sort of like a crack dealer giving you the first sample for free then telling you to go buy the book.  But go ahead and buy the book, it's worth it.  

  Pages 108-110

Not Knowing How to Hold Hands

  "Please join hands" are three of the most terrifying words you'll ever hear a minister say.  (Second only to, "We never talk about money at our church, but today...")
  Holding hands isn't difficult.  But we tend to violate some simple rules that govern hand-to-hand combat.  Let's review the things we should keep in mind when holding hands with strangers at church:

  NEVER interlink your fingers.
  This is way, way too intimate if you don't know me and your full name isn't "my wife."  But some people do it.  Instead of the, "Hey pal, I know we're holding hands, which is weird, but oh well," palm-to-palm grip, they weave their fingers between yours.  As soon as someone does that, the thirteen-year-old inside me automatically thinks, "This person is trying to make out with me."  This isn't a couples-only skate at the roller rink to Bobby Brown's "Tender Roni."  Let's never interlink our fingers.  Please.

  NEVER give the "You're great" squeeze.
  For some reason lots of Christians feel the need to punctuate a good handhold with a tiny gesture.  They want closure.  A fireworks grand finale to the handholding session.  I understand that, but please, avoid the temptation to end our time together with a "you're great" squeeze.  It's nowhere near as intimate as interlinking, but it still feels creepy coming from a man in his mid-fifties that up until thirty seconds ago I had never seen in my life.  I don't need closure.  Our hand relationship is over.  I'm ready to move on.  It's not you; it's me.

  NEVER linger.
  When it becomes clear that the period of handholding is over, I expect you to ditch my hand like a bank robber fleeing the scene. Seriously.  Let's not be the last people pressed together with our hands awkwardly connected.  Letting go is a race.  I want us to win.  Let's set a new land speed record in disconnecting.  Come on, we can do it.  Eye of the tiger  Eye of the freaking tiger.
  If we ever find ourselves holding hands at an event, I should warn you that I'll hold you accountable to all of these rules.  If you persist in violating them, I'll probably use my sweat defense mechanism.  I don't know if being sweaty is a spiritual gift, but I have it. And so will you if you insist on breaking the rules.

Cheers,

Kyle Hislop
RE/MAX